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Published June 14, 2009 @ 10:53 by Tania in Amazing Kids, Being Mommy, Loving Daddy

Last night the kids had sleepovers so that Mommy and Daddy could have a date night for our anniversary. Yes - we will be celebrating nine wonderful years on Wednesday.

The boys went to my in-laws farm for the night, and Daughter went to her cousin's. Two of the three of them were excited for a sleep-over, but Son One was sad and clingy. It was hard to leave him.

Husband and I have had very few nights away from our children. After giving birth to numbers 2 and 3, I even left the hospital early because I missed my other kids so much. Last year was the first time Husband and I went away without our children, and it was for a friend's wedding in Ireland. The first 4 days were great, but after the wedding we sort of wished we had booked an earlier flight home. Both of us really missed the kids.

It is funny, because there are many people who seem to love to go away without their kids, and plan one or two trips a year. I think it is important as parents to focus on yourselves sometimes as a married couple, instead of just as parents. I realize that I probably act as "Mommy" about 99% of the time, leaving me to act as "wife" only 1%. So maybe out balance needs to shift a little, and as our kids get older, it is starting to.

Husband grew up in a family where his parents went away with their friends what seemed like annually to him. Both of his sisters have taken trips regularly with their husbands, even when the kids were quite young. Oddly enough, though my parent's first trip without us kids was their 25th wedding anniversary trip to Aruba, I am the one who pushes for any alone trips we have without the kids, while Husband who grew up in a family who often took trips without the kids, feels like getting away is unnecessary.

I think there is a compromise. I think that for a special event, or a special anniversary, a week away from the kids once every five years is ok. Annually, a weekend or two, no more than three nights, also ok. Anything more seems a little indulgent as a parent, and a little cruel to young kids.

First, there is getting someone else to watch your children for a long period of time, often the grandparents. I know they don't mind a night here or there, but kids are a lot of work. And as much as I am sure all grandparents love their grandkids, when they spend too much time with them they become more parents than grandparents, having to discipline and not indulge.

Then their is dealing with abandonment that kids feel when you leave them. I had an adult, in his late thirties, tell me the other night that the only thing he ever feared as a child was his parents going away, because each time he believed that there weren't coming back. Thirty years later the pain is still fresh.

Yesterday dropping Son One off at the farm almost broke my heart. He was tired, and clingy, and sad. He is seven years old, and even with two c-sections after him and a week in Ireland for a wedding, I have probably only spent 14 nights away from him. Last night he was gone for just 16 hours.

My niece, who was also staying at the farm for a few days, came up to me with tears in her eyes. I picked her up and she buried her face in my neck, clinging to me and crying. I held her for about 10 minutes, just letting her hug. She was telling me she just misses her mommy so much!

All kids are different, and have different levels of attachment. My first born is the most attached to us - no surprise. Dropping them off yesterday, I had to chase Son Two around just to get a kiss good-bye. Daughter goes off with barely a wave, but is always full of hugs, kisses, and "I missed you so much!" when we see her again.

Husband I used to talk about taking a 10-day second honeymoon to Italy for our 10 year anniversary. That was before kids. Now, I am not sure that we could afford it. Nor would we choose to spend that much not to see our kids for 10 days. I don't think either of us could go that long without them. Maybe it will have to be our 20 year anniversary trip. Maybe by the time our kids are teenagers, they will actually love to see us gone.

Or maybe we should just make it a family trip. They travel pretty well. And though we were a couple first, we chose this life, having a busy and big family. It is what we love.