Entry FeedDo you spank? Do you think it is child abuse? Or a necessary form of discipline?
B.K. Husband I talked about spanking and both agreed that we would never spank our kids. Both of us were spanked, and neither of us liked it. We read the research, and know that it is not an effective form of discipline, regardless of what pro-spanking parents say. It shows that violence wins, and parents can get away with it because we are bigger and stronger than you.
We really were the best parents before we had our kids, you know. We would be consistent. They would know the rules and follow them. Our kids would have manners. They would respect us and themselves. They would listen. We would use other, more effective forms of discipline. We would never, ever hit our children...
Then we had kids, and our utopia of parenting wasn't exactly realized.
We don't spank our kids as part of a well-thought out disciplining strategy. We have, I admit, swatted our kids on the bum, but it was a result of our own failures and frustrations at the time. I think that many parents have swatted a behind, or grabbed a little too hard when they are at their wits end. It doesn't make it OK, and parents sure don't want to admit that they have done it. Spanking represents failure as a parent. (Husband says that we were anti-spanking until we met Son One... he is the kind of kid that makes you wish you still had a wood-shed out back at times.)
I don't think that spanking is ever effective for anyone but the parent, and it is punishment, not discipline. I don't think that we should be hitting our children. In fact, with our kids, I think that the threat of spanking is actually more effective than spanking (though even "strategy" isn't often tried).
Look - I don't hit my husband when we have a disagreement. It is called assault if you hit anyone, and it is against the law. People are upset when they hear about a dog being hit on the news... but somehow, we allow parents the power to hit their kids, and it is considered "discipline."
Now I actually use two alternatives to help diffuse situations... either I go to my room, or they go to their room, and we stay there until we are calm.
I am not pro-spanking. I hate the idea of anyone, myself included, touching my child in anger. In a perfect world, I would be a perfect parent. My kids deserve a mother who can control her anger. Because in the end, all spanking says is, "I am no longer in control. I can't handle this."
However, I don't blame Kate, nor do I want to vilify her, for spanking her daughter. She is under more pressure and stress than most of us can imagine, though by her own design. I don't think that she is a great mother - I heard somewhere "she's not a mom - she just plays one on TV" (how sad for those kids); but I think that her swatting a bum should be the least of our concerns about her judgment as mother; but it might be the final nail in the coffin of her "reality" show.
Tania: I'll try to respectful in my response - not easy but I'll try.
Its funny you brought up the issue of spanking. Just a few days earlier you wrote about how awful your kids behaved at the mall and how you felt so frustrated.
I'm against physical aggression towards a child but somehow he/she has to know their are consequences to their actions. You mentioned that you and your husband were spanked as kids but somehow both of you turned out OK, I assume. I'm sure when you were a kid there is no way in hell you would have behaved as your kids did a few days ago.
I've always believed that if you find yourself having to discipline your kids the same way continuously (whether it be spanking or 'time outs) you're doing something wrong. Obviously the kid is not getting the message clearly. I agree that the threat of being hit works - it worked for me when I was a kid and I suspect it will work with my own kids. I hate to use the word 'fear' but yes there has to be an element of it in order to dissuade a kid from doing something wrong. I always cringe when a hear these weak parents tell their kids "..mommy doesn't like it when you behave like this". Geez, a 3 year old has no idea about 'how mommy feels' so why try that tactic with them?
I also want to stress that physical pain is nowhere as cruel as psychological punishment. The latter will impact a kid much more negatively than any physical punishment. Kids grow up to understand why they were hit but most can never reconcile the psychological pain they suffered as a child.
Good luck and remember you're not their friend you're their effing parent!
Argie