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Published April 25, 2009 @ 12:49 by Tania in

To the Bandits in my neighbourhood:

I just want to know - who was your representative on Toronto City Council who lobbied for the green bins? She should definitely be our next mayor. Clever, very clever.

I am glad that you seem to enjoy all of my children's leftovers. Do we really have the best garbage on the street? And the way that you ate that old avocado leaving just the pit and the peel was amazing! I thought that I could deter you by throwing dirty diapers right on top of the food, but you still manage to sniff out the good stuff.

A few weeks ago, when the weather was still cool, I noticed you out late evening looking scrawny and timid. Then last night - WOW! At least thirty pounds, and ready to take me on! High school football coaches should be coming to you for weight advice. However, I would actually appreciate it if you at least pretended to be a little afraid of me; run, don't amble when you try to fit under my car.

About our green bins. You have destroyed them. And stolen them. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to wonder the neighbourhood in my pajamas, sweeping up my old food remains, searching for my green bin? The garbage men complain about taking my heavy bins from the curb to their truck, but you have no problems dragging them four houses down the block.

As flattered as I am that you obviously love my green bin best, and that you find our cat friendly and accessible, I really must ask that you consider the impact that your behaviour has on our family. What I am trying to say, delicately, please stop pooping around our home! Aren't there enough bushes in the neighbourhood for that?

I know the City has made it illegal for your to be shot, or even trapped and released more than a few kilometres from your home (another great lobbying effort), but my patience is wearing thin.

Take this letter as a warning. This summer, my garbage and green bins will be on lock-down. Found some other homeowner to harass. I am not above using mothballs, ammonia, and cayenne pepper. I may even ask my husband to urinate around the backyard. How would you like that?

Signed,
A Frustrated Toronto Homeowner