A Web Site For Toronto Mommies

Published March 30, 2009 @ 12:44 by Tania in Amazing Kids

I have three very stubborn children.

Oh - sorry - I mean determined.

A few years ago I was complaining about Son One to a friend who didn't have children, but had done some reading on the subject of child development and was therefore an expert. I was telling her that Son One was shy and stubborn.

She said, "That determination will make him very successful some day. Parents need to stop looking at personality traits in their children and evaluating them as either good or bad. Behaviour and personality are not the same thing. He is shy - a good thing because he won't ever go anywhere with a stranger. He isn't stubborn, but determined, and that will help him go far in life."

I thought a lot about what she said, and see her point. My children are all shy. This isn't good or bad, this is who they are. My mother claims that I was a painfully shy child. Some people say that my Husband is still very shy. So as the Irish saying goes, "they didn't lick that off the sidewalk."

It is challenging to me as their mother because it takes all of my children a while to get used to new situations, like swimming lessons and skating classes. The good part is that I don't have to worry about them wandering away in public as all three are usually attached somewhere, and none of them ever talk to strangers.

The stubborn gene, likely also inherited from both Husband and myself, is harder to deal with. I always thought I was stubborn, until I met my Husband. There is no one most stubborn on the planet. Son Two is in the running to dethrone him.

My children come by their determination honestly, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. None of them can be coerced, tricked, bribed or threatened to do anything, ever. I once had a speech therapist lecture me on how I should reward a good job on homework with a smartie. Really? You want me to bribe him to do 10 minutes of challenging work with a single smartie? Do you have children? Have you ever met a child before? I could offer to buy this kid a car to say a single word, and he wouldn't do it!

Son One, who I once thought was so challenging, in some ways is turning out to be the easiest going of three. This is only because I can, sometimes, win with him. For the other two I resort to picking them up and putting them in their rooms.

Son Two was instantly labeled, "non-compliant" by his first speech pathologist (we are on number four because he is so fun and easy to work with.) She recommended a behavioural therapist. Really? They do therapy to change personalities? At the time I said no, because Son Two is really one of the best behaved children I have ever seen.

Son Two's personality is almost identical to Husband's. The weird part is now everyone wants to diagnosis him with something. One Audiologist hinted at autism or aspergers or maybe an LD (learning disability). This was after 10 minutes because he wouldn't talk to her. He just didn't want to talk to her. The school had a speech pathologist assess him for 15 minutes and she had all sorts of crazy results.

The good news is that I think all of my kids are fine, and will be fine. I actually find them generally fairly well behaved, they are bright and successful at school and in their chosen activities. I have learned to ask before signing them up for something new, and we work a lot at home with giving them choices, so that they can feel more in control.

I am also learning to accept them for who they are. I once heard a joke about psychologists - Psychologists with one child believe in nurture; psychologists with more than one child believe in nature.